Mary Astell (1666 – 1731); from Some Reflections Upon Ma
iage
Mary Astell (1666 – 1731); from Some Reflections Upon Ma
iage
. . . If Ma
iage be such a blessed State, how comes it, may you say, that there are so few happy Ma
iages? Now in answer to this, it is not to be wonder'd that so few succeed, we should rather be surpriz'd to find so many do, considering how imprudently Men engage, the Motives they act by, and the very strange Conduct they observe throughout.
For pray, what do Men propose to themselves in Ma
iage? What Qualifications do they look after in a Spouse? What will she
ing is the first enquiry? How many Acres? Or how much ready Coin? Not that this is altogether an unnecessary Question, for Ma
iage without a Competency, that is, not only a bare Subsistence, but even a handsome and plentiful Provision, according to the Quality and Circumstances of the Parties, is no very comfortable Condition. They who ma
y for Love as they call it, find time enough to repent their rash Folly, and are not long in being convinc'd, that whatever fine Speeches might be made in the heat of Passion, there could be no real Kindness between those who can agree to make each other miserable. But as an Estate is to be consider'd, so it should not be the Main, much less the Only consideration, for Happiness does not depend on Wealth . . .
But suppose a Man does not Ma
y for Money, tho' for one that does not, perhaps there are thousands that do; let him Ma
y for Love, an Heroick Action, which makes a mighty noise in the World, partly because of its rarity, and partly in regard of its extravagancy, and what does his Ma
ying for Love amount to? There's no great odds between his Ma
ying for the Love of Money, or for the Love of Beauty, the Man does not act according to Reason [18] in either Case, but is govern'd by i
egular Appetites. But he loves her Wit perhaps, and this you'll say is more Spiritual, more refin'd; not at all if you examine it to the Bottom. For what is that which now a days passes under the name of Wit? A bitter and ill-natur'd Raillery, a pert Repartee, or a confident talking at all, and in such a multitude of Words, it's odds if something or other does not pass that is surprizing, tho' every thing that surprizes does not please; some things being wonder'd at for their Ugliness, as well as others for their Beauty. True Wit, durst one venture to describe it, is quite another thing, it consists in such a Sprightliness of Imagination, such a reach and turn of thought, so properly exprest, as strikes and pleases a judicious Tast. For tho' as one says of Beauty, 'tis in no Face but in the Lover's Mind, so it may be said of some sort of Wit, it is not in him that speaks, but in the Imagination of his Hearer, yet doubtless there is a true Standard-Wit, which must be allow'd for such by every one who understands the Terms, I don't say that they shall equally like it; and it is this Standard-Wit that always pleases, the Spurious does so only for a Season.
. . . .
Thus, whether it be Wit or Beauty that a Man's in Love with, there's no great hopes of a lasting Happiness; Beauty with all the helps of Art is of no long date, the more it is help'd the sooner it decays, and he who only or chiefly chose for Beauty, will in a little time find the same reason for another Choice. Nor is that sort of Wit which he prefers of a more sure tenure, or allowing it to last, it will not always please. For that which has not a real excellency and value in it self, entertains no longer than the giddy Humour which recommended it to us holds; and when we can like on no just, or on very little Ground, 'tis certain a dislike will arise, as lightly and as unaccountably. And it is not improbable that such a Husband may in a little time by ill usage provoke such a Wife to exercise her Wit, that is, [21] her Spleen on him, and then it is not hard to guess how very agreeable it will be to him.
In a word, when we have reckon'd up how many look no further than the making of their Fortune, as they call it; who don't so much as propose to themselves any satisfaction in the Woman to whom they Plight their Faith, seeking only to be Masters of her Estate, that so they may have Money enough to indulge all their i
egular Appetites; who think they are as good as can be expected, if they are but according to the fashionable Term, Civil Husbands; when we have taken the number of your giddy Lovers, who are not more violent in the Passion than they are certain to Repent of it; when to these you have added such as Ma
y without any Thought at all, further than that it is the Custom of the World, what others have done before them, that the Family must be kept up, the ancient Race preserv'd, and therefore their kind Parents and Guardians chuse as they think convenient, without ever consulting the Young ones Inclinations, who must be satisfied or pretend so at least, upon pain of their displeasure, and that heavy consequence of it, forfeiture of their Estate: These set aside, I fear there will be but a small remainder to [22] Ma
y out of better considerations, and even amongst the few that do, not one in a hundred takes care to deserve his Choice.
. . . .
And as Men have little reason to expect Happiness when they Ma
y only for the Love of Money, Wit, or Beauty, as has been already shewn, so much less can a Woman expect a tolerable life, when she [27] goes upon these Considerations. Let the business be ca
ied as Prudently as it can be on the Woman's side, a reasonable Man can't deny that she has by much the harder bargain. Because she puts her self entirely into her Husband's Power, and if the Matrimonial Yoke be grevious, neither Law nor Custom afford her that redress which a Man obtains. He who has Sovereign Power does not value the Provocations of a Rebellious Subject, but knows how to subdue him with ease, and will make himself obey'd; but Patience and Submission are the only Comforts that are left to a poor People, who groan under Tyranny, unless they are Strong enough to
eak the Yoke, to Depose and Abdicate, which I doubt wou'd not be allow'd of here. For whatever may be said against Passive-Obedience in another case, I suppose there's no Man but likes it very well in this; how much soever A
itrary Power may be dislik'd on a Throne, not Milton himself wou'd cry up Liberty to poor Female Slaves, or plead for the Lawfulness of Resisting a Private Tyranny.
. . . .
Again, it may be said, if a Wife's case be as it is her represented, it is not [89] good for a Woman to Ma
y, and so there's an end of [the] Human Race. But this is no fair Consequence, fro all that can justly be infe
'd from hence, is that a Woman has no mightily Obligations to the Man who makes Love to her, she has no reason to be fond of being a Wife, or to reckon it a piece of Preferment when she is taken to be a Man' Upper-Servant; it is no advantage to her in this World, if rightly manag'd it may prove one as to the next. For she who Ma
ies purely to do Good, to Educate Souls for Heaven, who can be so truly mortify'd as to lay aside her own Will and Desires, to pay such an intire Submission for Life, to one whom she cannot be sure will always deserve it, does certainly perform a more Heroic Action than all the famous Masculine Heroes can boast of, she suffers a continual Martyrdom to
ing Glory to GOD and Benefit to Mankind, which consideration indeed may ca
y her through all Difficulties, I know not what else can, and engage her to Love him who proves perhaps so much worse than a Brute, as to make this Condition yet more grievous than it needed to be. She has need of a strong Reason, of a truly Christian and well-temper'd Spirit, of all the Assistance the best Education can give her, and ought [90] to have some good assurance of her own Firmness and Vertue, who ventures on such a Trial; and for this Reason 'tis less to be wonder'd at that Women Ma
y off in hast, for perhaps if they took time to consider and reflect upon it, they seldom wou'd ma
y.
Mary Astell (1666 – 1731); from Some Reflections Upon Ma
iage
Mary Astell (1666 – 1731); from Some Reflections Upon Ma
iage
. . . If Ma
iage be such a blessed State, how comes it, may you say, that there are so few happy Ma
iages? Now in answer to this, it is not to be wonder'd that so few succeed, we should rather be surpriz'd to find so many do, considering how imprudently Men engage, the Motives they act by, and the very strange Conduct they observe throughout.
For pray, what do Men propose to themselves in Ma
iage? What Qualifications do they look after in a Spouse? What will she
ing is the first enquiry? How many Acres? Or how much ready Coin? Not that this is altogether an unnecessary Question, for Ma
iage without a Competency, that is, not only a bare Subsistence, but even a handsome and plentiful Provision, according to the Quality and Circumstances of the Parties, is no very comfortable Condition. They who ma
y for Love as they call it, find time enough to repent their rash Folly, and are not long in being convinc'd, that whatever fine Speeches might be made in the heat of Passion, there could be no real Kindness between those who can agree to make each other miserable. But as an Estate is to be consider'd, so it should not be the Main, much less the Only consideration, for Happiness does not depend on Wealth . . .
But suppose a Man does not Ma
y for Money, tho' for one that does not, perhaps there are thousands that do; let him Ma
y for Love, an Heroick Action, which makes a mighty noise in